Reminder on the First Morning We've Needed the Heat on....

Last Spring, I took an amazing online writing class from a woman in California named Laurie Wagner.  A lot of what we wrote was never intended to be seen outside of our virtual classroom.  The name of the course implied that we would be telling true stories and that is what we students did for six weeks.  Naturally, I will not post most of what I wrote but one of the techniques that we used for exercise was the "Wild Writing" style which has the writer, pen in hand, writing for five minutes, non-stop.  In other words, pen meets paper and stays with it.  The writer just writes, freely, without thought to spelling, grammar or punctuation.  We go back later and fix that. There's no attention to style either.....just getting words out on to paper.  I recently went into my files and found this little piece that I had written during one of those exercises.  It's such a good reminder to me to take good care of myself and, as the winter approaches, that is sound advice.  Easy to take care when a long, beautiful day arrives and I respond by sitting beachside or poolside.  But, the winter song is so different and it's so much harder to simply remember to use moisturizer.  So, here's the wild writing.....

I have never done anything “wild” in my entire life so it is very funny that I am sitting down here for the next 15 minutes, creating an essay that exemplifies wild writing.  Why have I never done anything wild? I wasn’t allowed to, I was scared to, I was too inhibited by what I did not know.  But the idea of doing anything wild scares me not least of all putting it on paper.  I am looking out the window now and wondering if it is snowing but not sure it does look like there is some precipitation in the air but them why would the snow plows have already been dispatched. The trees look so bare and the entire outside of our apartment looks so bleak.  Yes there are snow flurries again.  I am hating this winter and I am not sure why.  Maybe it has to do with the fact that I had such a spectacular fall and miss my freedom.  My freedom from worrying my freedom from calendars and clocks .  When I was in Italy I was entirely on my own and it felt really good.  I was free to express myself in any way I wanted.  I was free to take my time every day to do anything and everything I wanted and needed physically and emotionally. It was such a lovely time one I highly recommend to anyone who had been through a trauma or a loss of a loved one.  Oh how I loved being in Assisi.  Oh how I wished it would never end.  Idid not miss anything or anybody here and was never ready to return.  My days were mine alone.  I loved getting up early in the morning, slowly welcoming the day, no need to rush.  I would get up, make my coffee, sometime bringing it back to the bed.  The bed was so comfortable and comforting. The down quilt was just the right weight and felt dreamy all the time. Pillow was perfect; room was beautiful not big but just right for me.  Bathroom was comfortable and I was so happy that there was a walk in shower, huge, good water pressure. I could spend hours in that shower. I took great care of myself, dried in between all of my toes put cream on my body really loved it.  I loved having that washing machine near the bathroom.  I did lots of laundry because I packed light for the trip.  I am still amazed at the great job I did packing.  Not too much, not too little, just right and so well organized. I never misplaced things and it felt so good to be so organized without anyone moving my stuff or without a care in the world, really.  I made myself breakfast every day and enjoyed every bite.  After the ritual of getting breakfast, cleaning up, taking my shower, it was time to get out for the morning.  Most mornings I had not agenda, I just knew it was time to go out and was always amazed that it was the same time every morning.  I just went out, with my camera and walked most mornings.  Some mornings I stopped for  cappuccino and savored it. I love cappuccino and it is so much better with a coronetto and the chocolate ones are the best of all.  I did not worry too much about the fact that they were loaded with calories.  I waked most of my calories off every day I think.  Besides I was treating myself in a way that a mother would treat a child who had behaved well.  Isn't that was this whole experience really was about?  I was treating myself as if I were a child. I was and am a child in the sense that I am somebody’s offspring.  I behaved so well during the time of my mother ‘s illness and death so it is natural that I was in store for a treat when it was over and I treated myself so well for one entire month of my life and that felt so good. Why can’t I treat myself as well all the time I ask? I’m learning.  Just this month alone, I purchased some things for myself that I ordinarily would not.  It feels good to actually go to a store and come out with something like a lavender candle or a soft throw for my chair.  Next I really have to think more about the fact that I do love myself and if I want to take care of myself physically it is okay because I am still my mother ‘s child and mothers want their children to take car of themselves because that is what I want for my own children.